Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Time will heal

Yesterday, five weeks had passed since I lost my beloved John. Time has not yet begun to heal the overwhelming sense of emptiness and heartache. Each day dawns with thoughts of him and the endless hours march by in agonizing slow motion. Some things have gotten better; I can now write about it without melting down into a teary mess, but the lump in my throat remains.

I was hoping that coming to Florida, as we had planned would help ease the pain, but it hasn't and I find myself second guessing and Monday morning quarterbacking; why did I not see how serious his condition had become? Why did he not heed my constant pleas to have a thorough physical? Why was I not more insistent that he do so? Why was he so damned stubborn?

The questions continue to plague me, unfortunately, to no avail. What is done is done and cannot be undone. Try as I might, I cannot awaken from this nightmare. Down here in Florida, I constantly see happy, elderly couples and I wonder why, oh why, could we not have had a few more years together?

I know that this too, shall pass in time, things will get better and in the meantime, I need to focus on the wonderful memories we shared for the 45 years we were together even though those memories bring tears and more heartache right now.

I'm trying. Life is still good, just sad for the time being.

Hugs, Giddy


glbuzz said...

I am SO glad to see your post. You have been on my mind a lot in the last five weeks. It's funny that we have never met but I feel like I know you from reading your blog.

I was thinking of you the other day, and a silly photo of your John that you posted a while back, immediately came to my mind. He was wearing one of your knitted market bags on his head. It made me smile and I hope that thinking of it makes you smile too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I will be looking forward to your posts and your photo's of beautiful sunsets and lots of flowers.

Hugs to you.

Kerri said...

Dear Giddy, It's so good to hear from you. You have been in my thoughts and prayers so often these past weeks.
Like glbuzz I feel a close connection of friendship through our blogging exchanges.
You and John shared a wonderful life together and also shared those joys with us. The photo shows how much you enjoyed each other. Thanks for posting it.
I'm glad you're with family and feeling the warmth of Florida sun.
Be patient with yourself. Time will eventually ease the sadness and bring you joy again.
Sending pats for the kitties and hugs to you.

Zoey said...

Oh, Giddy, my heart aches for you and all you are going through. I am so glad that you felt up to posting. I have been checking for new posts.

I don't have any advice because I cannot imagine how I would get through such a loss.

I know I have never even met you or John, but I miss him, too.

You strike me as a very strong woman and I know, after some time passes, you will find a way to enjoy life again.

Anonymous said...

Hey Giddy, so good to hear from you. Time, you just have to get through it. I know that it is hard, and probably stil unbelievable to you. It is so neat that you had those six wonderful retired years together. I will admit, you I thought you were the poster people for retirement. You did everything and so well.

You have a lot of people pulling for you across the country. Take time, and be well.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sandy remember me from OL? Just want to say we are fine and praying for you. Your name comes up often in our household and what you and John did to promote our neighborhood. Its not the same since you moved away.
Same with the Rockinghorse, new owners are great, but not B&Diane.
We lost two close friends since Oct.
most recently my sons mother in law.
Makes us aware how precious life is and we must cherish each and everyday.
My loving Arnold turned 80 this past Oct 3rd. Had a big celebration for him with some of the seven children and close friends.I arranged for him to receive 80 cards he got 95!!
He was beyond words, so happy.
Reflect on your memories and join a grief counseling group when you return to Maine.keep in touch and if in town stop by we are here for you. Love to you and family

Teri said...

Dear Giddy,

I haven't visited your blog for awhile and was saddened to hear of the death of John. I lost my husband of 37 years in 2008. Like you, I don't understand why he wouldn't go into the doctor. But, as a wise nurse told me, he was an adult and made his own decision.

I hope that your spirits are beginning to recover a bit. It's usually not the holidays and anniversaries that are so sad. It's those unexpected moments where the sadness creeps in. The river of life continues to carry you onward and there will still be happy times ahead.

Sissy said...

Dear Giddy,
I am so sad for you. I am so sorry. I remember first coming to your blog, years ago. Although I have never met you, I was overcome with sadness for your loss.
I pray that you find peace of mind in this new life. I know you will find comfort in your family.
God Bless You,