Yesterday, five weeks had passed since I lost my beloved John. Time has not yet begun to heal the overwhelming sense of emptiness and heartache. Each day dawns with thoughts of him and the endless hours march by in agonizing slow motion. Some things have gotten better; I can now write about it without melting down into a teary mess, but the lump in my throat remains.
I was hoping that coming to Florida, as we had planned would help ease the pain, but it hasn't and I find myself second guessing and Monday morning quarterbacking; why did I not see how serious his condition had become? Why did he not heed my constant pleas to have a thorough physical? Why was I not more insistent that he do so? Why was he so damned stubborn?
The questions continue to plague me, unfortunately, to no avail. What is done is done and cannot be undone. Try as I might, I cannot awaken from this nightmare. Down here in Florida, I constantly see happy, elderly couples and I wonder why, oh why, could we not have had a few more years together?
I know that this too, shall pass in time, things will get better and in the meantime, I need to focus on the wonderful memories we shared for the 45 years we were together even though those memories bring tears and more heartache right now.
I'm trying. Life is still good, just sad for the time being.
4 months ago